Missing You

Baby boy, mommy misses you. Every time I think of God now, I think of you. I think of how you are with Him and how He is taking care of you. I think of what you might be doing, what you might be seeing, who you might be talking to. Are you playing baseball? Daddy thinks that maybe you are playing with Grandpa Ed. I hope you are. I struggle so much lately with understanding why God chose to take you away when He did. I sit and wonder what it would have been like to meet you face to face at your birth, alive. I know I will get the time that I wish for with you and so much more one day, but it is so hard to wait for that. I think of you every single day. I used to hear people say that they did things every day and wondered how true it was, but now I know it is absolutely possible to not only think about you, but to miss you so very much every single day. In times of quiet, it sneaks up on me and I think about how big you might be by now. Last night, I was waiting for your Daddy to come outside to the car and I looked up at the sky with all the stars and thought of you. And I try to remind myself of what you gave me. You gave me so much love and joy. I think back on when I first found out I was pregnant and I was so very excited. It was so unexpected and yet I could not contain my excitement. I wanted you so badly, even from the beginning. And I remember being scared that I might not get to keep you, even before I had any reason to think that, I just felt like something might happen to you. And so when we were told the news that you were sick, we all just prayed and prayed for you. And I would wake up your daddy in the middle of the night just to feel your kicking because I did not want him to miss any time with you, not one kick or movement. And my faith was tested even then. I admit I cried out in anger on more than one occasion and just pleaded for God to heal you. And one of those times, I just fell apart crying in defeat and God spoke to me through a song, He does that a lot. And I fall apart crying when I hear it now because it reminds me of my pleading for your healing and that it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. Yes, you were healed, just not here. But the song reminds me that God can still be trusted. I have to remind myself of that now. God is still the same. My circumstances changed, but God did not. And He loves me and He is on my side. I miss you so much baby boy. I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,

Mommy

Kendall Payne “I Will Show You Love”