Prior to Shawna becoming pregnant I looked forward to fatherhood with great anticipation. The dreams that we have for our children and the experiences that we wish to have with them hold more richness and joy than much else in the world. When the news had come that we were going to have a child (and only
a month into our marriage), I must admit that my emotions were most consistent with that of shock. Once that subsided, the dreams came pouring in. I thought of Christmas's and baseball games, reading to him and tucking him in at night. I wondered if there would be enough time in the day to tell him of our love often enough for him to understand just how much his mommy and I love him. I would have my little buddy by my side as much as possible. I would take him to the park. I would teach him how to play sports. I would help him with homework. And when he got old enough, I would teach him how to treat a woman, and what he should look for so that he could one day find a beautiful Godly woman just like his mom.
Looking back, it is funny that before our children are even born many of us have planned their entire lives. It may seem silly, but this is what we do. This is what love causes us to do.
Going through the last few months has been rough. There is no way around that. There are no magical words or actions that can fix or heal. When I first heard the possibility of what has recently become reality, I knew that things would be difficult. However, I had assumed that like most things, it would get easier with time. I would get used to the possibility that my son may have a chromosome abnormality.
I could not have been more wrong. You see, leading up until that moment I had only dreamed of what life would look like after he was already born. We would go through life together and the experiences that we would have would bring us closer together. I could not wait for fatherhood to begin.
What I did not realize is that fatherhood had already begun. Before he could even wrap his hand around my finger, he had already wrapped it around my heart. And as time would go on he would grasp it even tighter. Each day is a new memory. One more kick, one more movement, one more ultrasound. Each causing us to fall more in love. When I had dreamed of fatherhood, of having memories with my son, of falling in love with him, I never imagined that the journey would begin so soon.
At this time we do not know how much longer God will give us with our son. Will it be weeks, months, or will he be an exception and make it to his first birthday? What memories will God allow?
We have been given no such answers. What we have been given  is this moment. And we will cling to it with every ounce of our hearts. We will store every memory with our son that we can and pray that we will not forget one of them.
It is during these times that we wish to stay in love with our God and to look upon him with adoration. Although questions are abounding and are not yet answered, we will strive to see God's goodness and faithfulness in events both past and present. It is with this that we may be able to endure what will inevitably come. We pray for healing of baby Joshua. However, it seems that God may very well have a different will than what we desire. We are reserving hope in a God that is capable, but ask for comfort and strength in what is likely to occur. At this time we are attempting to rejoice in every moment that God has provided us with Joshua and will provide in the future. Amidst the ever-changing emotions and exhaustion we have found invaluable support in both our family and friends. It is evident that Joshua has already made an impact on a world that he has not yet even entered. We are so proud of our baby boy.
Thank you so much for all of your prayers, support, and love. They help us press on.

Picture Update and Zoo Trip

I have been so behind in my posting!

So back around 31 weeks I took a picture of my growing pregnant belly at the zoo. Eddie and I were going to visit the new baby giraffe, which was only one week old. Ironically, I went to the zoo with his sister the exact morning that the giraffe was born (its fur was still wet from the birth!) the week prior. This was also exciting because I had been at the giraffe exhibit when I was 23 weeks pregnant, was informed by a tour bus that one of the giraffes was pregnant, and took my picture with the pregnant giraffe in the background. So I told Eddie about the cute baby giraffe and told him we should go see it. So, we braved the crowds on Memorial Day Weekend (not as bad as we thought) and went to see it.

Here is a picture of me at 23 weeks with the pregnant giraffe in the background:

Here is the new baby giraffe sitting:

So cute!

While we were there, we found out from a tour bus passing by that the baby was a boy. I immediately wanted to name it Joshua giraffe, not just because we have a giraffe theme with Joshua, but we also pray for Joshua every night with a stuffed giraffe (named Joshua giraffe) that plays music. The tour guide then   announced that the giraffe was born with a problem with its foot and needed a cast. Eddie looked at me and said, "Are they going to say his name is Joshua?" Knowing that Joshua has a problem with his right foot we immediately wanted to see which foot was affected with the baby giraffe. So we waited and waited for the baby to stand up and finally...

He stood! And with the cast on his right front foot. 

The tour guide went on to say that the giraffe has not yet been named, but to us, this giraffe is going to be Joshua giraffe. A little ray of hope in the midst of all that has been going on. 

Joshua giraffe with his mama

And last but not least, pictures of me at 31 weeks!

Baby Joshua with Joshua giraffe in the background.