I have been neglecting to update this blog and the past few days have been a little hard, just trying to process all of the information from our doctors’ appointments. I continue to try to wrap my mind around the possibilities for Joshua. One possibility that we hope and pray for is healing. Another is that he may have the chromosomal abnormality of Trisomy 18. Yet another possibility is that he just happens to have some things wrong, but otherwise is perfectly healthy. I have a hard time believing that to be true, but I know I should not disregard it.
Lately, I have been reading some blogs by people who delivered babies with Trisomy 18 and even though it is sad, it is also in some way comforting. I find myself relating to their emotions. In one that I was reading this morning, the mom was writing down prayer requests/praises and posted the following:
Praise for Copeland. She's kicking, squirming around, and I know that NOW, this is part of the life I will get to share with her. We are so programmed to circle a due date and mark that as the milestone at which our child begins, our time with them kicks off. But I have her today, now, and I long somehow to know her heart as much as I can. We have no idea how long she'll live. We know God is able to give her a long, healthy full life - that these diagnoses can be made null and void with one Whisper from Him. But even if He doesn't, we know her life is already full - she's made a quite a little stand for Christ in the last week. Pray we will embrace the victories we have now with her.
I was encouraged to celebrate the now that I have with Joshua. I was telling Eddie last night that I feel like I already know so much about him. I pay attention to his movements all day long. I know that as soon as I sit up in the morning he begins to stir as if saying, “Oh it’s time to wake up with Mommy”. He loves to kick through breakfast and when I am done eating he usually stays still for awhile, as though content with the food. I know that he likes to kick before lunchtime, almost like an alarm clock to remind me that it is time to eat again. Lately, he likes to push his body out to make my stomach look disfigured. I think it’s funny and try to make him do it so I can show other people, but that is yet another thing about him, he likes to do things in his own timing and will not be pressured into it. The whole drink a cold glass of juice or water to make them kick is not a foolproof method with him. I know that he is squirmy at every ultrasound. They always comment on how active he is and are surprised that he will not sit still for their pictures, even though I warn them he does not like to be poked and pushed. He also seems to know when it is bedtime. He is somewhat active after dinner and before I lay down, but once my head hits the pillow he is calm and quiet. I cherish my time with him and hope that I never take any of it for granted.
I will try to take a picture to post on here soon. My belly has definitely grown! I also want to ask for prayer that I would not succumb to feelings of hopelessness. Whenever we have an appointment, I leave trying to process everything and often feel overwhelmed. Especially in this last appointment, I was left feeling that my sense of hope was slipping away. Also, please pray as I go to see a counselor on Monday morning. Eddie and I were walking around Santee Lakes yesterday and we saw a mother duck with her baby duckling. It looked so fuzzy and sweet. I told Eddie later that I was so jealous of that duck because it had such a seemingly healthy baby. And then I realized that if I am feeling jealous of ducks that maybe I should go talk to someone. :) I think that talking to someone outside of the situation will be a good idea and I am a little nervous so prayers are much appreciated.
Ecclesiastes 11:5
“Just as you do not know the path of the wind and how bones are formed in the womb of the pregnant woman, so you do not know the activity of God who makes all things.”
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