Faith in a God who is Just and a Savior

I feel like this grief journey is sometimes so confusing. Just when I think I am moving forward towards more joy than pain, the pain comes in stronger than ever and brings me back to square one. But I am learning how to pick myself up and to bring it before the Lord. Whatever it is. Disappointment of Lost Dreams or Ruined Plans, Fear of the Future, or Empty Arms. I can pick it up and bring it to Him. This is easier said than done, but my time in God's Word today brought me comfort in the knowledge of who God is.

I was reading in Isaiah 45 about God forming the earth and creating it. It reminded me that God created Joshua, and then this verse "Who did not create it in vain, Who formed it to be inhabited" stuck out to me. I thought about how if God made the earth for a purpose, how much more are we purposefully made. Joshua's life was and is even now, purposeful. Joshua was not created in vain.

I continued reading and stopped at the verse that says, "I did not say to the seed of Jacob, Seek Me in vain; I, the Lord speak righteousness, I declare things that are right". I guess it was the fact that I could read God describe Himself to me, but I felt a comfort in knowing "He speaks righteousness" and "declares things that are right". I have known deep down that God is trustworthy, but have doubted it more recently. I doubted that God truly cared, that He really knew what he was doing in my life. Which then led me to verse 21 which says that God is "A just God and a Savior". It's funny how simple verses that are speaking truth can just all of a sudden make sense. It was like I had blinders on to seeing God's goodness and love, but then I read a sentence in the Bible telling me, "God is just, He is a Savior" and it just clicked in my head as true.  

I was also encouraged by the following two passages:

Romans 4:16-25

"Therefore it is of faith that it might be according to grace, so that the promise might be sure to all the seed, not only to those who are of the law, but also to those who are of the faith of Abraham, who is the father of us all (as is it written, "I have made you a father of many nations") in the presence of Him who believed--God, who gives life to the dead and calls those things which do not exist as though they did; who contrary to hope, in hope believed, so that he became the father of many nations, according to what was spoken. "So shall your descendants be."

And not being weak in faith, he did not consider his own body, already dead (since he was about a hundred years old), and the deadness of Sarah's womb. He did not waver at the promise of God through unbelief, but was strengthened in faith, giving glory to God, and being fully convinced that what He had promised He was also able to perform. 

And therefore, "it was accounted to him for righteousness." Now it was not written for his sake alone that it was imputed to him but also for us. It shall be imputed to us who believe in Him who raised up Jesus our Lord from the dead, who was delivered up because of our offenses, and was raised because of our justification.

*My prayer: To have faith like Abraham. To not waver, to trust in the Lord.

Isaiah 40:27-31

"Why do you say O Jacob, And speak O Israel: "My way is hidden from the Lord, And my just claim is passed over by my God?"
Have you not known?
Have you not heard?
The everlasting God, the Lord, The Creator of the ends of the earth, 


Neither faints nor is weary.


His understanding is unsearchable. 


He gives power to the weak, And to those who have no might He increases strength.

Even the youths shall faint and be weary, And the young men shall utterly fall


But those who wait on the Lord Shall renew their strength; They shall mount up with wings like eagles, They shall run and not be weary, They shall walk and not faint."

IPOD Ministry-Believing God-Prayers Working

A picture of my resources during quiet time.

Psalm 147:3 

                  "He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds."

So yesterday was a big step for me. A step towards healing. Towards hope. Towards trust. Towards a relationship that was broken. Since Joshua passed, I had not picked up my Bible to read it, I prayed only short statements of "Jesus help me" or "Why?" or "You hurt me so deeply and I'm angry". Part of not reading my Bible was that the last time I was reading it, was when Eddie and I were reading the gospels to Joshua. We read him the whole gospel of John and had moved onto reading the gospel of Mark. And I didn't want to face that place of hurt. However, earlier this week I took a small step towards reconciling myself with God by praying for healing for a woman with a family and that was in a life or death battle in the ICU. I was so concerned that my praying for healing would somehow "jinx" the situation and she would die. My last prayers for healing didn't turn out so well, at least that is how I saw it through my pain. And so yesterday I decided in order to reconcile myself with the Lord, a small step would be to find a devotional book, something that would bring me back to God's word, but that would focus me on a specific study. I had been given a devotion book called "Jesus Calling" by my counselor and the day that she gave it to me, the passage spoke to me. It said:

Follow Me one step at a time. That is all I require of you. In fact, that is the only way to move through this space/time world......Walk by faith, not by sight, trusting Me to open up the way before you. 

I felt my heart breaking down a barrier with those words. And it awakened my desire to reconcile with the Lord. So I went to Berean, and I prayed ahead of time that God would direct me to the right study. I looked awhile at all the topics and books of the Bible and I found myself choosing one called "Believing God" by Beth Moore. The introduction described that it is one thing to believe in God, but another to believe God, to really accept what He says is true. As this is something that I have struggled with lately, to trust and believe God, to have hope, I bought it and brought it home with me. 

Now I have to explain my title of this post, "IPOD ministry". God speaks to people in many different ways and sometimes it is through His Word, but often with me it is both that and through music. Music just really speaks to my heart and I find that God will meet me in a place of worship through music. So what I do is I pray to God and then I put my IPOD on shuffle and I listen. Which some people may think is silly, but God meets me every time. And this time was like a hug, like a huge exclamation from the Lord that He loves me. And I needed that so badly. I started my prayer and just cried. I told God that I was just so hurt and that it was hard to speak to Him through the pain, but that I was willing to try to seek Him, even in the midst of that. So the first song that came on was "Something's Gotta Change" by Josh Wilson. The song speaks of being thirsty for the Lord because this person has been seeking after everything but God to make them feel better, to make the pain in their life go away. And then this lyric played:

 "Do you remember where you had so much hope within you? It lingers deep inside you still".  

The tears started streaming as I took that in. I realized how much hope I held onto that Joshua would be able to stay with us, that we would get to keep him here and how that hope was shattered when he died. But I knew that I still had some hope deep down within me. The fact that I was willing to pray for healing for that woman showed me that the hope was still there.

So I continued my prayer. Telling God I want to hope again. I want to have joy and trust in my relationship with you. Lord, I just really need to be healed.

Next song comes on. A song called "Change the Way" by Aaron Shust. 

The song begins:

"King of all the universe, we love you and we come to you now. Asking for your healing touch, we need you, this very hour. Would you help us comprehend, what it means to worship you, cuz we are blinded by our circumstance, heal our eyes today.

May we know your love, feel it course through our veins, encircling our hearts and embracing our souls. We need your love and grace to remain, to rearrange our hearts and change the way we praise"

I immediately wrote Hi, Jesus! in my journal. It was a song sent to speak to me. To tell me that He heard my prayer for his healing. It repeats that message of healing and love throughout the song. 

So I start day one of my Believing God study and I'm listening to the Aaron Shust song of healing and love. And the first verse to look up is Ephesians 1:11-23:

In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to put our hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory. And you also were included in Christ when you heard the message of truth, the gospel of your salvation. When you believed, you were marked in him with a seal, the promised Holy Spirit, who is a deposit guaranteeing our inheritance until the redemption of those who are God’s possession—to the praise of his glory.

 For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all God’s people, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know Him better. I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is the same as the mighty strength he exerted when he raised Christ from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every name that is invoked, not only in the present age but also in the one to come.  And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way.

At this point I really cried. I just was filled with hope and joy. Real hope and joy. Hope that I can know Jesus again, and truly know Him not just of Him. Hope that I can hope again. And joy in knowing that God exerts incomparable power in the lives of those who continue believing Him, which is the same power used to raise Jesus from the dead. Say what?? Crazy. 

Beth Moore:

"Can you think of any need you might have that would require more strength than God exercised to raise the dead? Me either. God can raise marriages from the dead, and He can restore life and purpose to those who have given up...You have no need that exceeds His power. "

And so here I am, a little broken, a little scarred, but God is putting the pieces back together. 

Thank you for your prayers. They are accomplishing wonderful things!

Anniversary/Reflection of a Crazy Year

 November 25, 2009

The day/moment we got Engaged! Goal for 2012: Look like that again :) 

January 15, 2011 Mr. & Mrs. Edward Listander

November 2, 2011 

These footprints left an imprint on our hearts

If you face your computer in a mirror, it should turn out right :)

For our one year anniversary we went...

To the happiest place on earth...

And when we got home we went out to dinner at Miguels in Old Town and then Edward surprised me with this little cake:

So Pretty!

And I was excited to eat it:

Here's hoping for a joyful 2012!!

Missing You

Baby boy, mommy misses you. Every time I think of God now, I think of you. I think of how you are with Him and how He is taking care of you. I think of what you might be doing, what you might be seeing, who you might be talking to. Are you playing baseball? Daddy thinks that maybe you are playing with Grandpa Ed. I hope you are. I struggle so much lately with understanding why God chose to take you away when He did. I sit and wonder what it would have been like to meet you face to face at your birth, alive. I know I will get the time that I wish for with you and so much more one day, but it is so hard to wait for that. I think of you every single day. I used to hear people say that they did things every day and wondered how true it was, but now I know it is absolutely possible to not only think about you, but to miss you so very much every single day. In times of quiet, it sneaks up on me and I think about how big you might be by now. Last night, I was waiting for your Daddy to come outside to the car and I looked up at the sky with all the stars and thought of you. And I try to remind myself of what you gave me. You gave me so much love and joy. I think back on when I first found out I was pregnant and I was so very excited. It was so unexpected and yet I could not contain my excitement. I wanted you so badly, even from the beginning. And I remember being scared that I might not get to keep you, even before I had any reason to think that, I just felt like something might happen to you. And so when we were told the news that you were sick, we all just prayed and prayed for you. And I would wake up your daddy in the middle of the night just to feel your kicking because I did not want him to miss any time with you, not one kick or movement. And my faith was tested even then. I admit I cried out in anger on more than one occasion and just pleaded for God to heal you. And one of those times, I just fell apart crying in defeat and God spoke to me through a song, He does that a lot. And I fall apart crying when I hear it now because it reminds me of my pleading for your healing and that it didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. Yes, you were healed, just not here. But the song reminds me that God can still be trusted. I have to remind myself of that now. God is still the same. My circumstances changed, but God did not. And He loves me and He is on my side. I miss you so much baby boy. I can’t wait to see you again.

Love,

Mommy

Kendall Payne “I Will Show You Love”

Zoo Trip #2

We decided to visit the zoo again today. This time my friend Laura came along with us, which was super fun. Hoping that contractions will pick up soon...

Here are some pictures and a fun video of an angry mountain lion from the trip:

I am not sure why this mountain lion was so angry, but he was growling and hissing at people for a good 5 mintues or so. I caught only the tail end of his angry spell.

Close up of the angry kitty

 Rhino going for a swim!

 Looks pretty cozy

 Cute fuzzy face

 Mama hippo

 Mama and baby hippo

Pretty birds in the aviary

39 Weeks 2 Days

Eddie and I went to the zoo on Thursday in an effort to make Joshua come on out. Lots of hills and walking around, but he must be pretty cozy in there because it didn't produce many contractions. Here a few pictures from our trip:

Baby hippo practicing underwater flips

Cute little red panda 

 Me with Joshua giraffe in the background

 Front view

38 Weeks 2 Days

Joshua is now 6 lbs. and 10 ounces! Eddie and I thought he might be coming on Monday of this week, but he was just having his own fun of tricking us. I had contractions for 17 hours straight and yet, still no progress. As anxious as we are for him to come, we are enjoying seeing him continue to grow.

Joshua is still very active every day. He loves to run his arm or leg back and forth across the top of my belly. Lately, he has his arms hanging out right where my belly button is and he loves to push out as much as he possibly can. I joke that he is trying to crawl out of my belly button. I have also noticed in the past few weeks that he sometimes has episodes of the hiccups. It is quite cute. At our doctor's appointment yesterday, he had the hiccups while she was checking his heart rate.

After our doctor's appointment we decided to visit the zoo. The weather was perfect, right in the low 70's with a breeze.

Here is a picture of me 38 weeks and 2 days in the Japanese Garden on the way to the giraffes:

 Cute little duck!

In the garden

Then we visited Joshua giraffe and his giraffe family:

 Joshua giraffe and his big sister

Close ups of Joshua giraffe eating 

 Joshua giraffe's sweet little face

Pandas!

We ended the trip with swirl ice cream cones, which I should have photographed because they were so very good! If you have never tried the swirl ice cream cones at the zoo, you should, because it is wonderful.